Saturday, September 21, 2013

A whole day's review

We all made it a point to listen to as much of WZBH as we could today.  We listened from the morning show, around 9 am, until Doug McKenzie's show, around 6:30 pm.  We skipped JJ's show because we were pretty certain he had nothing worthwhile to say except to talk about other dumbasses.

Worth noting, in the overall programming, was the absence of dumbass stories.  As we mentioned before, dumbass stories peppered the daily programming heavier than pepper on a dish of blackened catfish, and, like blackened catfish, burned the senses until they were numb.  Captain Blue and Doug McKenzie have made a positive move towards a more palatable, and less numbingly burning, programming.  Their shows were a pleasant surprise from what we had expected.

Here's the run down:

The Worst Show Ever:

Let's just say the show lives up to its name. 

We've given up hope on Sarah.  Sarah gladly accepts her role as a wallflower following the lead of Crank and Phoebus and will never blossom into the gardenia of talent we though she was capable of becoming.  It's sad, really.  On another radio station in another venue, she could be real, entertaining talent.  Stuck where she is, she'll never blossom.  She really needs to break out the bull whip, crack it hard, and tell Crank to shut the Hell up and tell Phoebus to get a real life.  Once she has those two whipped in place, listeners will have a chance to hear her real talent.  As long as she plays the wallflower role, though, we can only hope this young woman is learning her craft while other stations are reviewing her résumé, and then she'll explode on the scene with the fury of a woman scorned when hired by another station.  Three of us (the men) are waiting for that day.  The two women (out of jealousy, no doubt) want to see Sarah fall flat on her boobs.

Phoebus, as we mentioned before, lacks any real life experience to be able to relate to anyone above a high school graduate or the Forrest Gumps of the world.  For someone who formulates his worldview from infowars, one would think he'd have figured out he is nothing more than a pawn in the government's plot to dumb down America to make the populace easier to control.  Phoebus shows a good potential, but he needs to advance to the other end of the board to become a queen and let his true talents shine.  The only way he can get to the other end of the board, quickly, is to leave radio, man up to his civic duty and pursue a four year stint in the military or, at least, pursue a career outside of a four-by-four room while sitting behind a microphone. 

Crank, on the other hand, needs to go through a midlife crisis.  He's almost there so we may not have to wait that long.  A man who goes through a midlife crisis changes his wife, changes his career, and either comes out more successful than he ever was, ends up in jail, or begs for change at the intersection of any road he can stumble to.  No matter the outcome, when Crank goes through his midlife crisis, he will change careers and listeners might once again enjoy a morning show on the radio.  Yes, Crank, we tire of the everything-is-about-Crank routine.  You managed to take a story of The Wheel of Fortune and turn it towards you.  Even Forrest Gump knows what a curio cabinet is.  Then you managed to take eight of Sarah's top ten wingman ploys and turn them towards you, as in you're the best wingman ever.  It'd be different if you were funny about it, but, instead, you come across as that annoying Chihuahua that just has to be the center of attention.  Be a man and go through your midlife crisis, already.  We all agree we'll flip you a quarter at the intersection.

Captain Blue:

We all love Captain Blue's laid back style and we enjoy his "Question of the Day".  Today, his question was about what embarrassing thing did your neighbors catch you doing or what embarrassing thing did you catch your neighbor doing.  The segment was mildly entertaining, but we know from past questions, that segment can be very entertaining.  With a segment like that, a listener can't expect top performance every time, but, in that time slot, no one is listening to the DJ anyway.  They want music.  The little break, even at its worst, is entertaining.  What we don't understand is how Captain Blue snuck three country songs in the lineup.  We went to Phoebus' infowars site and we think we understand.  There's an ultra-secret society, originally founded by retired rodeo clowns, whose sole mission is to rid the world of all forms of music except country music.  Phase one members infiltrated prime time TV's reality shows, like American Idol and X Factor. Country singers have become big on these shows, so phase two has begun.  Members of this ultra-secret society (it's so secret, no one knows its name, yet) have begun infiltrating radio stations.  Pop and rock stations were the easiest to infiltrate, and that's why Captain Blue, as a member of this ultra-secret society, had no problem sneaking in three country songs in the lineup.  We don't know what the three songs were, but one of them was by Shine Down.  Three country songs during the show is five too many.  We're onto the top secret plan, Captain Blue, so knock it off.  If you want to convert your listeners to country music, take a real challenge.  DJ on a hip hop station and sneak your country music in through that venue.  Yeah, we know that's like Phase Eleven or something, but be bold and advance your career. 

Doug McKenzie:

Doug McKenzie has always been a class act for us.  He didn't disappoint, today.  It was with his show we realized we weren't deluged with dumbass stories.  He quoted some news, gave his laid back commentary, and then played music.  We always liked his "like it or leave it" plays.  We liked his song today, but, dang it, not one of us (the four who heard it) can remember it.  Something about elephants, we remember that much.  For sure it'll be played again and we'll figure out what the song is and who does it.  One shocking note in his program: he played a country song we heard earlier from Captain Blue.  This time, one, of the two of us who heard it, remembered the song because she was shocked to learn that Slash played the guitar.  "Here's to us" by Halestorm belongs out in Texas, not on a rock station.  C'mon, Doug.  Don't get suckered in by Captain Blue's evil plot to make all music country music.  Go back to digging up classics like you did with "Jerry was a racecar driver" by Primus.  Since that day, over a year ago, we haven't heard you dig up forgotten classics, but those classics would be better than a country song being passed off as a rock song.  Don't you agree?  

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