Sunday, August 25, 2013

An interracial sex change operation would improve the show

All week, we listened to various segments of The Worse Show Ever.  All five of us listened at various times independently of each other, but not one of us listened to an entire show.  Lord no.  It's hard enough getting through maybe a half hour's worth of the show voluntarily on any given day.  Only a sadomasochist or Brian at the end of the whip of his dominatrix could, or be forced, to listen to more. 

We listened with one purpose: determine the factors of the show that make it as exciting and entertaining to listen to as it is to listen to a cricket chirp in the vacuum of space.    We've come up with two ideas.

  • All three hosts are conservative in their thinking.  Sarah leans more towards the moderate conservative side, but Crank and Phoebus definitely lean towards the far right side with a healthy dash of conservative-Christian thinking thrown in for good measure.  Expecting three hosts, who more or less think alike politically, religiously, and philosophically, to create sparks that will entertain the masses is like lighting a line of gunpowder and expecting it to fill the sky with colorful sparks on the Fourth of July.  If you want colorful sparks that entertain, you add volatile chemicals to that gunpowder.  Our suggestion: can Crank and Phoebus and team Sarah up with a local oyster and a hulking man aiming to become the next Precious.  No one would care about the oyster, but Sarah vs Precious Wannabe...yup, we'd listen for four hours a day, five days a week....and even more.
  • Assuming an oyster and a Precious Wannabe won't take the job and we're stuck with Crank and Phoebus, then neuter Crank and glue those parts onto Phoebus.  Lord knows Phoebus could use a pair.  Here's the problem: no matter what segment of the show the team (term used loosely) are doing, Crank is the alpha male chihuahua with a compulsive need to be the center of attention despite the lack of possessing any endearing qualities;  Phoebus is the beta male bulldog too timid to challenge the alpha male, but bold enough to turn around and fart in the chihuahua's face once in awhile; and Sarah is the alpha female collie waiting patiently for the testosterone to settle before showing everyone who's the real boss.  After neutering Crank (great ticket sales opportunity, by the way), maybe Crank will realize he doesn't have to be the center of attention (like every chihuahua has a compulsive need to be); Phoebus can fart his way off of center stage (because bulldogs really aren't all that bright, but good at farting); and Sarah can gracefully take center stage to save the show (because we all learned way back in the fifties that collies are the smart ones who always save the day).
Yup, we wanted colorful sparks to entertain us this past week and instead we ended up in a noisy dog pound.  Too bad the dog pound is a no-kill sanctuary.  We'll skip all the yapping sure to come next week.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sarah should be the star of The Worst Show Ever

Sarah had two of us in stitches this morning.  This morning's "Friend or Foe" segment was about a couple in New York who installed an outdoor shower.  Both Phoebus and Sarah took the "foe" side citing, among other things, that kids, nor anyone, should be exposed to a daily routine of nudity. Crank took the "friend" side and argued that no one except perverts should be spying on the showering neighbors.

Claiming that it is normal for anyone to look, Sarah said, "Women can't help but look when something pops out at them. Yes, Sarah, most women and gay men can't help but to look.

Sarah's passionate defense of a person's natural tendency to look, not just a pervert's tendency, zoomed over Crank's head. Phoebus sort of caught it, but downplayed her comment. It may have taken until commercial break before Sarah realized just how funny her comment was, if she realized it at all.

Sarah should be the star of the show. She's funny without even trying to be.