Sunday, April 13, 2014

It's over between Sarah and us

We won't hide it.  Us three guys have had a love affair with Sarah for the last more than a year.  Always the wallflower, we held out hope that one day, she would jump off the wall, take control of the mic, and show her little boy cohosts how to really entertain the masses.  Alas, Sarah has cowered under the oppressive thumb of Crank and has become content playing the role of a wallflower.

The Crank Show (the morning show has always been about Crank) is run with an iron fist, Crank's fist.  He is the star and anyone sharing the mic is merely decoration.  Decorations are supposed to enhance, not overshadow.  When a cohost begins to overshadow Crank, he/she is kindly shown the front door and a new decoration is ushered in. 

JJ and Phoebus were the two latest decorations discarded like tinsel on a Christmas tree.  They served their purpose and had to move on.  Ian would've been discarded if it weren't for the saving grace of WZBH's high employee turn around.  Doug being fired and Captain Blue simultaneously leaving left a lot of hours to be filled.  Ian got shuffled to the evening shift - as far from Crank as possible so that he wouldn't overshadow Cranks poor morning performance.  Otherwise, he probably would've been shown the front door.

Now Sarah is a smart one.  She quickly learned what happens to cohosts who try to spread their wings and be a star in their own right.  She decided a paycheck was more important than growing professionally in her career.  She happily hangs on as the decorative wallflower on The Crank Show in the morning.

After her four hour stint as a wallflower in the morning, she goes solo for five hours playing the role of dumbass critic.  There's no doubt in our minds that the operations manager, aka Crank, pushes the DJs to report on the dumbass stories.  Dumbass stories have been a staple of Crank's performances since the old Matt Walsh days.  He gets a perverse pleasure out of taking extreme stories and ridiculing them as if they were everyday, normal stories.  That might explain why every DJ recites dumbass stories during their stint.

Sarah's normally bubbly, optimistic outlook has turned negative under the influence of Crank.  One can even hear the negativity in her voice. 

"Yeah, like we need an app to tell us if an apple or a cookie is more healthy to eat."

That's a typical ill-informed comment we would expect from Crank, not Sarah.  The app that compares the nutritional value of different foods may seem worthless to you, Sarah, but let us ask you this: "You sense the beginnings of a cold coming on and want to load up on foods high in vitamin C.  Would you start eating salads, apples, oranges, or chocolate chip cookies?"

What really set our one critic, Mark, off to end the relationship is a ringing cell phone.  Every time he listens to Sarah, at least once an hour, he's digging for his cell phone because he swears he hears it ringing. 

Cell phone our critic
hears ringing when
listening to Sarah.   
Not pictured:
the ringing
With the nice weather, Mark's driving down the highway with his window opened.  Despite his age and generally ugly looks, he still believes that a beautiful woman may want to flirt with him so he drives with his window opened so as to better communicate with the potential female flirter.

Between the radio, the opened window, and Mark's age-induced hearing loss, a ringing phone is hard for him to discern.  Inevitably, while listening to Sarah, he hears his phone, starts digging through the pens, lighter, and cigarettes in the cup holder to retrieve the phone, and discovers no one was calling, not even the pretty woman on the cell phone in the car that just passed him.

For Mark, the ringing phone may be the final reason to end the relationship with Sarah, but the rest of us are hanging on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, Sarah has retained a bit of her own individuality.  Crank would never think of playing tricks on his listeners, at least not one as elaborate as simulating a ringing phone. 

Some of you reading this might think we are lower than the belly of a snake for ending our relationship with Sarah.  It is, after all, not her fault for following the script written by Crank.  If one is given a B-grade script to follow, a B-grade performance is what the audience will get.

Yeah, that's true, but Sarah shouldn't settle for B-grade just to keep her job.  There are other radio stations, stations that encourage performers to grow and shine on their own.  If only Sarah would drop off the wall at WZBH and join another station where she would be encouraged to blossom as an entertainer....

Oh, just in case you, Sarah, (or any of our readers) ever sense a cold coming on and want to eat a high vitamin C diet to ward the cold off, skip the orange and go for the broccoli and red bell pepper salad.  One red bell pepper, alone, has two hundred times the vitamin C as an orange has.  Throw in the broccoli (and kale if you have it), and you'll have more vitamin C than an orange tree.  Of course, if you had the food app, you could have found the answer with a click of a few buttons instead of hearing it from us.

Underneath this creature you might find Justin
Bieber, NJ Gov. Chris Christie, Crank, and at least
one of us rummaging around in the muck looking
for new story ideas.

No comments:

Post a Comment