Quick, what color is the guy?

We've been listening to WZBH and The Worse Show Ever off and on for the last few weeks.  Captain Blue and Doug McKenzie are still spot on as entertaining DJs, projecting an image, through sound, of professionalism.  As we already mentioned in our previous review (Lights Out With JJ is not entirely his fault ), we could do with a lot less of the dumbass-style quips as they are overdone throughout the day and night from everyone starting with the morning crew, through Captain Blue, Doug McKenzie, and ending with JJ.  (We've never listened to WZBH during the time slot after JJ and before The Worse Show Ever so we don't know if the dumbass-style quips are continued through the night and early morning hours.)  Perhaps it's just us, but when we tune into any radio station, we expect to hear lots of music and little talking.  When the DJ does talk, we like to hear about the music, the song, or the artist and little else. 

For a morning show, we expect to hear entertaining talk by characters who have built an image of themselves, through words, that we can identify with.  Maybe one character makes us laugh.  Another makes us see something we hadn't thought about.  Maybe one makes us rethink what we thought about something.  No matter what, we want morning show hosts who compel us to tune in every morning just to hear what they are going to say next.  They make us wish we were friends so we could enjoy a round of beer with them because they are that entertaining.  Crank, Phoebus, and Sarah fail miserably. 

We have pinpointed exactly why we really don't care if we tune in or not - lack of creativity and repetitiveness.  Yesterday morning (Wednesday), for example, Phoebus regaled us with a story of his experience at a convenience store.  The story was very much like the story of Crank and Phoebus on a quest to find a Mexican store or Crank's experience with an old man holding up the line at a convenience store. 

Need more examples of repetitiveness and lack of creativity?  These are stories we've heard more than once over the last few weeks. 

• Crank's complaining that he isn't as strong or physically fit as he used to be.  Yes, we know.  You've hit middle age and every seven years from here on out, you'll notice radical changes in your body.  Quit whining about getting old and try telling us what most of us don't already know.
• Descriptions of bathroom habits or lack of toilet paper.  We're sure a sizeable segment of listeners are driving to work and eating breakfast at the same time.  On more than one occasion, we have switched stations so we could eat our breakfast without being grossed out and never bothered to switch back.  Makes us wonder how many other listeners have done the same.
• Vehicles each host drives.  Really, who cares?  Try telling a funny story about driving the vehicle instead of trying to convince us what is "manly" and not.  Vehicles are vehicles and hold no entertainment value.  What happens because of the vehicle or happens in the vehicle is the funny, creative story.
• Obama and his demon wife.  Yes, we get it.  Phoebus and Crank don't like Obama and his wife.  Now try telling us why you don't like them.  Name calling is why the "sticks and stones" comeback was written for first graders.  By the time one makes it to a radio career, we sort of expect more than the elementary school style of making a point.

For readers who may be new, of the five of us behind the reviews, only one does the writing.  As we discussed the contents of this review, the other four issued me a challenge: write a creative paragraph retelling Phoebus' experience at the convenience store to hammer home the point of the hosts' lack of creativity.  No, I am not a professional writer and I don't fancy myself to be a good, much less creative, writer, but I don't back down from a challenge, either.  So here goes.

This morning, on my way in, I stopped at the convenience store to get my breakfast of tostados.  Not one of those fancy, big name convenience stores, mind you.  An old Mom and Pop style convenience store that's probably fueled up '57 Chevys and hasn't changed since.  Don't ask me what kind tostados I got, either.  They all are stuffed with the same ingredients, but are just given different names. 

There's no one in the store when I walked in, but I heard a lot of commotion in the back.  I grabbed my breakfast and waited at the register to check out.  I guess at four in the morning I'm like most people and really don't pay attention because I thought I was alone in the store.  As I'm standing at the register, I hear breathing behind me.  Startled, I turned to glance at who stood behind me.  A huge, hulking man with breakfast in hand stood patiently in line.  This guy was big enough to be a Raven's linebacker.  I don't know how I missed him when I came in, but there he was.  I stole my glance and faced the register.  I could still hear the hulking man's breathing.  I could picture his nostrils flaring in and out with each breath like a bull's.  I could feel his expressionless, dark eyes watching the hairs on my neck rising. 

A loud shriek emanated from the back room.  Chickens squawked in a frenzy as a small dude emerged.  As he walked behind the counter, I asked him what all the commotion was about.  He answered, in a heavy accent, "Making chicken wings."  As the sweat dripped off this scrawny guy's face, all I could think was the chickens must have won the fight.  Heck, judging by the guy's stature, a canary could have won the fight.  He must've been outmatched by the chickens.

Now, keep in mind, I am not a professional writer and my version of Phoebus' story is a first draft written in twenty minutes because I'm a slow typist.  Now, quick, what color was the hulking man standing behind me?  If I was somewhat successful at my descriptions, you not only pictured what the hulking man looked like, but you also pictured what the store and the scrawny man looked like.

Now here's Phoebus' story, paraphrased since I don't have a recording of the show.

This morning, on my way in, I stopped at this hole-in-the-wall gas station to get my breakfast of tostados.  Yeah, all tostados are the same.  They just have different names. 

There's no one in the store, but I hear a lot of commotion in the back. I go up to the counter and there's this big, hulking Black guy behind me. So it's just me and this big, Black dude waiting for the guy in the back.  

There's a lot of loud, squawking sounds, like chickens, and this little dude, no bigger than three-foot something, comes out of the back, dripping sweat. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "Making chicken wings." I think he was an Indian dude or one of those foreigners. (In Phoebus' defense, he only added the ethnicity of the store clerk because Crank asked. Crank has a hang up about knowing that all the races and ethnic groups of people are behaving in the manner stereotypes dictate they should behave.)

Ok, we give it to you that being creative while writing off the cuff and being creative while talking off the cuff with other people involved in the talking are two different things and about as comparable as a clam to an oyster.  But, like we have reviewed many times during Matt Walsh's days, why did Phoebus feel it was necessary to state the hulking guy behind him was Black?  His race had nothing to do with the point of the story, as bland as the story was.  In fact, the hulking guy had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. 

We know why he pointed out the ethnicity of the store clerk.  Crank needed to know and Phoebus did such a bad job of story telling, Crank had no idea of how to picture the store clerk. 

We can't say Phoebus is guilty of bigotry or even stereotyping.  The guy behind him probably was a Black guy, even though this big, hulking Black guy had no further bearing on the rest of the story so why even mention him, much less state his race? 

Of course, one has to scratch his head when the whole story is taken into consideration.  After Crank asked what the ethnicity of the store clerk was, the stereotyping began.  People who work the overnight shift at a convenience store are shady characters.  They aren't too bright and certainly shouldn't be seen in the light of day. 

This is where Sarah blew her chance to shine as the intelligent star of the show.  After Crank had stated his description of overnight workers at a convenience store, Sarah asked, "But Crank, didn't you work at one on the overnight shift?"

Crank blew her point off.  "Yeah, and I probably shouldn't have been seen in the light of day back then." 

Come on, Sarah.  You had a chance to shine as a star.  Instead, you backed down and let Crank and Phoebus do the talking.  What?  Did you have to get up and get more coffee and donuts for the guys?

Yes, there was a reason Phoebus felt a need to state the hulking guy's race and Crank's need to know the ethnicity of the store clerk.  Only they know the reason.  We can only guess that non-creative minds need to have every detail spelled out for them and non-creative minds feel a need to spell out every detail for everyone else.  We have to wonder, though, if they didn't really want to go off on a different stereotyping bash fest at the beginning of the story in the same manner they stereotypically bashed overnight store clerks.

Phoebus and Crank carried on the story of bashing overnight convenience store clerks to an anti-climatic end.  Like we all do when they talk about bathroom habits, the two of us who were listening switched stations and called it a day for listening to WZBH.

Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary

This morning, the morning crew, particularly Crank, had a shining moment.  We actually thought they had a grasp on what the word, stereotype, meant.  While talking about the Boston Bombing, all three referred to the unknown bomber as a terrorist.  When callers began to make the connection of terrorist to Muslim, Crank made it clear that they were using the term to refer to the violent act and no one should be jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes.  Terrorist did not automatically equate to a "brown skinned person".

Just when we thought that maybe, finally, Crank and team were beginning to understand the word, stereotype, Crank and Phoebus launch into a story of their adventure of trying to find a Mexican store.  To find the store, Crank relied on stereotypes.  He figured a Mexican store would have to be located somewhere along a railroad track so he and Phoebus turned down Railroad Road in Georgetown.  At first, Crank was disappointed, or, more accurately, frustrated, because he was certain his stereotyped view of a Mexican store being located on a railroad track should be true, but none was to be found.  They turned around, and the stereotype "was so obvious", they missed the store on the first pass.

Anyone with a high school education or GED could tell you that where Mexican stores are located is not based on a stereotype, but is based on deductive reasoning.  If, for example, they wanted to find a high-end retail store, like a Neiman Marcus or Saks Fifth Avenue, they would know to look in a big city around the wealthier side of town.  They wouldn't find the store along railroad tracks.

If they wanted to find a middle-range store, like a Walmart or Target - you know, those stores where the poor middle class people shop, but expect to be treated like their wealthier peers on the other side of town - they would know to look outside of the city, on a major thoroughfare, somewhere between the outskirts of the city or town and the suburbs.

If they want to find a locally owned store that caters to everyone else, they'll look where the store's targeted customer base most likely lives.  They probably wouldn't find the big name stores, high-end or middle range, in these areas. 

Through deductive reasoning, a Mexican store is going to cater to the Latino customer base.  They will open a store where there is a concentration of Latinos.  Here, on Delmarva, Latinos tend to be low-skilled, low-paid agriculture workers or shellfish and chicken processing workers.  They can't afford to live in the middle range of town, much less the high end of town.  The Latinos congregate in the poorer sections of town where the poor middle class people think they are too good to live at.  No one wants to live along railroad tracks, so the rent and property values are definitely in the range of the average Latino worker.  It makes sense, then, that the Mexican store will open in the same neighborhood.

Deductive reasoning.  Elementary my dear Watson, elementary.  No stereotyping involved.  Now, if only Crank and team could learn that.

You can’t say anything on radio anymore, but let’s shoot the immigrants

We were treated to an entire first hour of whining about how one can’t say what they want on the radio any more.  Heck, even Phoebus made the same comment on his show the night before.  Crank, JJ, and Sarah carried the sentiment a step further.  They blamed the evils of FaceBook for allowing anyone to complain about what they hear.  Of course, these people jump on FaceBook for no other reason than they want attention.

This is what happens when a station hires a bunch of inexperienced, non-professional kids to sit behind a microphone.  What do Crank, JJ, and Sarah base their entire career on?  That’s right.  They complain about everything they read on the Internet and, obviously, they complain about FaceBook and its contents.  Why do they spend four hours every morning complaining about what they saw on the Internet?  Obviously for the attention.  You see, it’s ok when they do it, but not when anyone sitting at home does it.  Go figure that logic.

Here’s the reality of it, since Crank, JJ, and Sarah are a little confused.  The station didn’t hire you because they thought you should have a public platform to say what you want when you want.  They didn’t even hire you because they thought what you had to say was relevant.  They hired you to entertain and attract listeners.  The more entertaining you are, the more listeners tune in.  The more listeners tune in, the more ad revenue is generated.  The more ad revenue generated means bigger profits for the station and maybe a bigger paycheck for those behind the microphone attracting all the listeners.  Tee the listeners off and you lose the ad revenue.  Lose enough ad revenue and you might lose your job.

Listeners who use the Internet to air their opinions about the entertainment they are hearing is a much more effective way to gauge the appeal of a show among fans than the old-fashioned way of mailing a letter to the station.  Back in those days, it was easy for stations to ignore the genuine sentiments of listeners than it is today.  Today, that letter gets posted on FaceBook instead of thrown away once the station received it, and, sometimes, huge sentiments of agreement over the complaint erupt.  The average listener has a more effective tool to air his complaints, and, yes, get the attention of the advertisers sponsoring potentially offensive shows.  To the non-professional behind the microphone, that power is a threat, not an asset.

Unfortunately, this past week, we let the ball drop.  Three days in a row, JJ plainly stated we should shoot the illegal immigrants as they crossed the border.  (Ok, JJ only wanted to shoot them two days in a row.  On the third day, he wanted to feed them to the sharks for Shark Week.)  What he said is akin to saying, in a different time and place, let’s fire up the ovens and invite the Jews for the Great German Bake Off.  There is no justifying JJ’s sentiment.  (We should have made note of the sponsors advertising during these segments, however, the three of us who listened over the course of the week were never in a position to jot down the advertisers.  We’ll do better this week.)

Such sentiments are born out of bigotry, if not racism.  You won’t hear JJ complain about the estimated half a million illegal Canadians in this country.  You won’t hear him say we should build a wall along our northern border and post snipers along the wall to shoot anyone trying to enter this country illegally.  It doesn’t matter to him that the few terrorists thwarted at our borders were stopped at the Canadian border, yet none were ever stopped at our southern border.  See, Canadians are White and speak English so they’re all right.  It’s the brown-skinned, Spanish speaking ones ruining this country.

Can one talk about illegal immigration on the radio or is that a taboo subject?  Of course one can talk about it.  If the prejudice and bigotry didn’t get in the way, how could the show have gone?

It was only a couple of months ago, JJ reported that for the first time, Asian immigration outpaced Latino immigration.  Companies needed more skilled laborers and they found them in Asia.  If Rush Limbaugh is to be believed, for the first time, Latino immigration is at an all time low, if not reversing.  With the economy down, jobs simply aren’t here and many Latinos are going home.

With a little real-life research, not Google research, Crank, JJ, and Sarah could’ve learned that Perdue in Salisbury has a huge Latino workforce.  Sit in their employee break room, as one of us did while waiting for a job interview, and one is hard pressed to find anything written in English.  Even the company newsletter is written in Spanish.  The one of us who applied for a job with Perdue didn’t get the job, probably because he was the wrong color and spoke the wrong language.

Then there was the push a year or two ago to limit the number of work visas granted to immigrants to work in the crab houses.  A Dorchester County councilman tried to argue that teaching a Mexican to shell crabs was easier and cheaper than training a local born citizen.  Think about that.  He believed that teaching a Mexican, who most likely never saw a blue crab in his life and probably didn’t know English, would be easier to teach than a Dorchester County native.

Now a clearer, and more accurate, picture of the immigration problem emerges.  The immigrants aren’t a bunch of criminals looking for a free ride.  They are coming here because companies are giving them jobs.  And if enough immigrants with the right skills aren’t coming, companies go looking for them.  Immigrants aren’t stealing American jobs because, given a choice, companies don’t want to hire Americans.

Take it a step further, and look at the Chick-Fil-A controversy.  We know JJ is not against same sex marriage because of religious beliefs.  We truly believe that if JJ were to walk into a Church, the windows would explode and the pews would erupt in intense flames.  It’s fine he’s against same sex marriage and even stated so.  We know homophobes are against gay marriage and it’s not a big deal.

JJ, however, supported Chick-Fil-A and boasted of eating their delicious chicken sandwiches.  Guess where that chicken came from?  Yup.  Some Latino at Perdue cut it up, packaged it, and shipped it out to Chick-Fil-A.  Chick-Fil-A uses Perdue chicken.  So while supporting Chick-Fil-A’s owner’s right to voice his opinion on same sex marriage, JJ inadvertently supported Perdue bringing immigrants over to supply the chicken.

Look, you can say anything you want on the radio.  What we, and maybe other listeners, object to is passing off prejudices and bigotry as fact and not looking at the whole story.  If you’re not professional enough to present the facts and the whole story and keep your prejudices to yourself, perhaps you should step away from the microphone.  It’s too much responsibility for an amateur to handle.

What? All immigrants, not just gay immigrants are to blame?

After a week of listening to Crank and JJ blame gay people for emo kids, political correctness run amok, and our country’s slowness in building skyscrapers, we were surprised to hear them blame immigrants, not just gay immigrants, for Chagas (SHAY-gus), a new disease dubbed “America’s new AIDS”.

Their whole segment talked about “the new AIDS” that anyone can get from blood sucking insects and profusely blamed immigrants for bringing this new disease to our backyards.

Crank and JJ didn’t quote a source for their news story, but we found a FOX News story that drew liberally from a New York Times story, which had reported on an editorial in a scientific paper.  In five minutes, we were able to dispel every lie Fox News reported and Crank and JJ helped spread, even if they didn’t get their story from Fox News.

The disease is not new.  It is prevalent from the Mexico-US border southward through Latin and South America.  It was first identified over one hundred years ago and some experts believe Darwin succumbed to the disease.

A particular type of insect, commonly called “the kissing bug”, which is related to our common assassin bug, transmits it.  Unlike our assassin bug, this insect sucks blood.  The parasite responsible for Chagas disease relies on the kissing bug to complete its life cycle.  The other part of its life cycle relies on opossums, armadillos, raccoons, squirrels, and mice.  In this country opossums and armadillos have been found to carry the parasite and are the health officials primary concern.

Cases of Chagas originating in this country are rare.  It’s no coincidence that the reason is the kissing bug is native to the Mexico-US border southward.  The bug, no doubt, wanders into our country because bugs generally don’t pay attention to national borders.

Most new cases of Chagas in this country are diagnosed in immigrants coming from south of our border.  The disease is not contagious.  Unlike the flu, you can’t get Chagas from being near an infected person.  Unlike AIDS, you can’t get it from having sex with an infected person.

Can you count the lies Crank and JJ spread yesterday?  Here’s our tally:

1. It is not a new disease.  It’s been around probably forever.  At least we know it’s been around for over a hundred years when the parasite responsible for the disease was first identified.
2. Immigrants didn’t bring a deadly disease to this country.  Although rare, it’s always been here in our opossums and armadillos.  Albeit a lot more people have the disease because they have come from areas where the disease is prevalent (30,000 immigrants according to Fox News), they aren’t spreading the disease to innocent Americans.
3. Blood sucking insects don’t spread the disease.  A certain type of blood sucking insect does.  The insect is rare in this country.
4. The disease has no similarities to AIDS other than if left untreated it can kill.

Four lies spread yesterday, but since when has anyone expected Crank and JJ to let facts get in the way of spreading their bigotry? 

Tonight's nightly dumbass

Since JJ can't give us the nightly dumbass that so entertained us weeknights, we thought we'd fill in.  Tonight's nightly dumbass is not one, but two people - Crank and JJ.

Let's back it up a bit.  We rarely listen to the morning show.  After our initial excitement and hopes for an entertaining show, we ended up with a toned down version of the old morning show.  The personalities are a little bit more likable than in the old format, but bigots are still bigots and bigotry as humor is a bygone fad of almost forty years ago.  It just plain ain't funny no more.

We listened once, last week.  We were amused at the segment, "Acoustics at eight" that came on at five til nine.  The critic writing to you likes the acoustic segment, having somewheres in the neighborhood of seven CDs of acoustic versions of songs by popular bands. 

We listened again, today, and the "Acoustics at eight" segment came on somewheres around eight-thirty.  Amusement has now transformed into befuddlement.  Are there any clocks at the station?

Last week's daily dumbass was a man in Oklahoma who fired his gun at fire fighting helicopters dipping into his pond to fight the wildfires in Texas.  All five of us are in agreement that the man should've been the daily hero and JJ and Crank the dumbasses.  All five of us agree that anyone - and especially government employees - who doesn't want an ass full of buckshot had better ask us before stepping foot on our land much less helping themselves to the resources we own on the land. 

How hard would it have been for the fire fighting commander or local sheriff to pick up the phone and tell the landowner they needed his water to fight neighboring wild fires?  Oklahoma is also in a severe drought.  What if the man relied on that pond to irrigate his fields or water his livestock, wouldn't you expect him to shoot first, ask questions later?  If that pond goes dry, he could lose his livlihood.  Who's going to pay his bills then?

Again, we can't stress it enough.  Do your homework and think outside of the box before making yourself the dumbass.

Today's dumbass was not one, but three people holding up the express checkoout at the Walmart while Crank and JJ were trying to get through the line as quickly as possible. 

First person up - an old lady who paid by <gasp> a check.  There goes that subtle bigotry.  What did her age have to do with how she chose to pay?  Oh yeah, old people are feeble and slow. 

All five of us at the Critics Page have shopped at Walmart and have paid by check.  There's nothing to fill out.  You hand a blank check to the cashier, the cashier feeds it through the machine, which takes less than ten seconds, and then you sign the electronic pad facing you.  Either Crank and JJ are telling us that Delawareans are more backwards than we give them credit for or they completely fabricated the little old lady paying by check.

Second person up - a Mexican who chose to pay with coins for one portion of his order, and a twenty for the other portion.  Again, there goes that subtle bigotry.  What did his ethnicity have to do with how he paid for his order?  In fact, we're willing to bet that while he was probably Hispanic, most likely Latino, he probably wasn't Mexican.  We fully expect that analysis to go whoosh right over Crank and JJ's heads.  Bigots have a hard time understanding that people with brown skin speaking Spanish does not automatically equate to Mexican.

So he shopped for two people.  One was poor and had coins to pay for the order.  The other was rich and had a twenty to pay for the order.  Whether one person pays for both orders separately or two people are ahead of you paying for their own orders, the time standing in line is the same.  And since none of us at the Critics Page are rich like Crank and JJ, we do consider payment in coins as cash payment.  Between paychecks, we're always paying in coins.

Third person up - Mom.  Bashing women through Moms is a favorite pasttime of JJ's.  He'll never bash men through Dads, but he loves to bash women through the incompetent Moms.  What was her stupidity?  Asking the cashier about two different types of cigarettes and which one had more cigarettes. 

Yes, JJ, every smoker and many nonsmokers know there are twenty cigarettes to a pack, no matter which brand.  Every smoker and many nonsmokers also know that a pack of camels isn't the same amount of cigarettes as a pack of Virginia Slims.  Try really hard to think about that one.  We have confidence that you can tell us why both packs have twenty cigarettes, but both packs don't have an equal amount of cigarettes.

Since we are convinced that the first shopper was made up, or at least the story was embellished like a good fish tale, we have our doubts about the other two shoppers, too.  The story was a good yarn to bash the elderly, Latinos (specifically Mexicans), and women.

But that's not why we award the nightly dumbass award to Crank and JJ.  They get the award because they chose to shop at Walmart and support both the Chinese economy and Chinese worker at the expense of our American economy and American worker.

Not a good enough reason?  Don't fret, there's more.

We've noticed the younger generation, particularly those under thirty-five, are impertinent and impatient seekers of instant gratification.  We can thank the Internet, drive thrus, and express checkout lines for the ingrained attitude of instant gratification among the snot-nosed, bratty younger crowd.

Not fun when the group you belong to is singled out for ridicule, is it?  Sad truth is that those of us over thirty-five have more patience, understanding, and compassion for others who operate at a bit slower speed than the seekers of instant gratification. 

Still not good enough reason to award Crank and JJ the nightly dumbass award?  Yup.  There's more.

You both were shopping at Walmart.  If you want prompt service and speed, shop at a high end store where the clerks will annoint your feet as they take your money and usher you out the door.  You shop with poor people, you get treated like poor people.  Shop with rich people, you get treated like rich people.  Very simple equation.  You both were the dumbasses for being in a hurry because you didn't plan ahead of when and where to shop to get the service you think you deserve.  The truth is you deserved the service poor people get and that's what you got.  Dumbasses.

Labeling people still popular among bigots

Yes, we’ve been lax.  We knew Matt and Crank took Monday off, but none of us bothered to listen to the show anyway.  We even took a vacation yesterday.  This morning, two of our critics shared a ride and decided to tune in.  They listened to two segments and tuned out.

The first segment, however, illustrates perfectly what we reviewed (Labeling people a sure sign of bigotry). They started the segment talking about Oregon’s Representative David Wu and the allegations of improper sexual advances made against him.  Matt made it a point to clarify that the representative he was talking about was the “Asian representative”.  During the course of the conversation, Matt and Crank talked about several other members of Congress who were caught in a sex scandal, but not once did they mention any of those political figures as the “European” or “White “ guys.

In all fairness to Matt and Crank, we acknowledge that their mode of thinking is so entrenched in classifying groups of people by categories, describing people by their ethnicity or minority group status comes naturally for them.  There are people and then there are the Asians, Mexicans, Blacks, Muslims, atheists, gays, lesbians, and the list goes on.  When talking about people, Matt and Crank feel there is no need to describe White of Western European decent, heterosexual, Christian males because people are people so those descriptions mean nothing when telling a story.  For everyone else, their religion, color of skin, ethnicity, race, sex, sexual orientation, and disability are very important traits to mention when making fun of the person. 

Out of the list of several politicians recently caught in a sex scandal that Matt and Crank rattled off, all of them must be White of Western European decent since Matt nor Crank hadn’t felt it necessary to tell us their race.  We’re wondering why it was necessary for them to tell us Mr. Wu’s race with a classification, we’re sure, he probably would object to.  He’s American of Chinese decent.  Talk to someone of Chinese decent and someone of Japanese decent and get back with us as to whether they consider themselves of the same race, Asian.  Throw in the mix a Korean, Vietnamese, Phillpino, and a Russian.  And let’s not forget a Pakistani or Indian (from the country of India so the bigots reading this don’t get them confused with our Native Americans).  And let’s really shake it up and throw in an Inuit.

Yes, race is an arbitrary description that means something only to bigots. 

Labeling people a sure sign of bigotry

Listening to bits and pieces of the Matt and Crank program this morning, we’ve finally pegged the way the program comes across as pushing an agenda of bigotry, even if the commentary, itself, does not express prejudicial views.

In the first segment, Matt talked about a FaceBook page where the person ranted against Mexicans who come into the place of business and speak Spanish instead of English.  Because the post was so poorly written, Matt turned the rant into one of his own of how we need to learn English before complaining about Mexicans who don’t speak English. 

“Ok,” you might be thinking, “where is the bigotry?”

Matt, unfortunately, made the same mistake the FaceBook person made.  Anyone in this country who speaks Spanish is a Mexican.  While he made his point that we do need to learn our own language, he consistently pointed out that the Mexicans need to learn English, too. 

If the FaceBook person posted from the southwest, there’s a good chance the person speaking Spanish was Mexican.  Many Mexicans do cross the border into Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California looking for work.

Outside of the southwest, the biggest influx of Latino immigrants are from El Salvador and Guatemala, you know, the two countries we funded civil wars in during the 80’s and left their countries and economies in a shamble.  After funding their death squads and destroying their countries, why should we be upset that they are coming here to look for ways to support their families.  It’s the least we could do for them.

Because they speak Spanish does not make them Mexican.  In fairness to Matt and Crank, maybe they really believe Mexicans should learn English, but the El Salvadorans, Guatemalans, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, Peruvians, Spaniards, and Lord knows who else don’t need to learn English.  And why just the Mexicans who speak Spanish?  There’s an estimated half a million illegal Canadians in this country and it’s a safe bet some speak French.  Maybe because they’re White, we tend to ignore their transgressions.  Only the Mexicans were worth targeting because they have brown skin.  And if you go back to the June 23^rd program where Matt expressed his fears, again, about the White race becoming extinct because the other races are having more children than White people, the bigotry message all ties in.

The next segment talked about a woman who tweaked the breasts of a TSA agent at the airport when the agent was searching her.  For some reason we don’t understand, Matt and Crank needed to point out that the woman was an elderly Chinese woman.  Crank even felt a need to pipe in that maybe in her country, tweaking breasts was an acceptable response much like the French who kiss each other’s cheeks. 

When we, at the Critics Page, see someone of a different ethnic origin, we don’t automatically assume they must be immigrants.  We have to ask.  Why would Crank hear “Chinese” and automatically assume she must be an immigrant?  We brought thousands of Chinese people over here to build our railroads that connected this great country of ours during the 1800’s.  Our use of their labor wasn’t much different than our use of slave labor, but the point is Chinese people have been in this country for many generations.  Many people of Chinese decent in this country are as American as any person of European decent. 

While talking about this woman at the airport becoming a folk hero, Matt referenced the “gay flight attendant” who yelled at the rude passengers and then bailed out.  None of us at the Critics Page followed the story so we don’t know if the flight attendant ever made his sexual orientation an issue, but why would Matt feel a need to make an issue of it?

When telling a story, adding some description to the characters adds a dimension to the story, and, sometimes, is necessary to tell a good story.  In these three examples, we cannot figure out why the ethnicity or sexual orientation of the characters was important to mention and be harped upon to make the point both Matt and Crank wanted to make.  Yes, immigrants to this country should make an effort to learn our language.  Yes, tweaking a TSA agent’s breasts is a bad thing to do and certainly isn’t worthy of folk hero status.  Yes, a fight attendant yelling at passengers and bailing out is nothing to cheer about.  Pointing out the ethnicity or sexual orientation of the three characters in each story serves no other purpose other than to be a vain attempt at perpetuating the negative stereotypes of certain groups of people.  The implied message is straight, White, Christian males wouldn’t behave so badly.

Sniffing - or licking - out the foreigners

Here’s an interesting tidbit of history.  Shortly after the bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941, the Army was desperate in figuring out how to defeat the Japanese in the Pacific while fighting Hitler in Europe.  The Japanese had taken over most of the islands in the Pacific and getting them out would be no easy task, especially while fighting another major front in Europe.

Along comes this civilian scientist named William Pestre, who convinces the Army’s top brass that he could train dogs to hunt down the Japanese and kill them purely on the scent of Japanese blood.  No trainer would have to be present to direct them and the dogs wouldn’t attack non-Japanese because they don’t have the same scent.  His plan was to release tens of thousands of trained dogs on the Pacific islands that would kill the Japanese without an American soldier ever having to set foot on the islands.

Back in those days, it was an easy sell.  The predominately White decision makers back then all held the standard prejudices and bigotry towards the non-White races.  It was common knowledge that the color of one’s skin wasn’t the only factor that differentiated the races.  The way they smelled, the foods they ate, their intelligence levels, and their behaviors all made them inferior to the good White Christian race.  Trying to sell the idea to the military brass that Japanese had their own unique smell from anyone else was like trying to sell an ice cream cone to kids on a hot summer day.

The secret program ran for three months on, ironically, Cat Island off the coast of Gulfport, MS.  Mr. Pestre tried his best to train the dogs to sniff out and kill the Japanese.  They even brought in American-Japanese soldiers to use as dog bait to train the dogs. 

After ninety days, the Army evaluated the training program and deemed it a complete failure.  Mr. Pestre became infuriated and threatened not only the top military brass with retribution if they closed his program down, but also the President. 

The military didn’t take kindly to the threats and shut the program down.  Mr. Pestre disappeared from the scientific community.  The Army Signal Corps took over the training program of the dogs and produced a fine force of working dogs to act as sentries, scouts, trackers, and mine sniffing dogs.  Even as late as the Vietnam War, the war dogs were recognized for their heroic service and credited with saving around ten thousand soldiers’ lives during the conflict.

From the Army’s training program, we learned that contrary to our bigoted beliefs most of us held at the time, people smell like people to a dog and there is no defining smell unique to any one race.  In fact, today, we can look back at this sad chapter in American history and laugh at the stupidity of supposedly educated men of the time.  We can recognize that the dog training program was born out bigotry and ignorance.

Let’s fast forward to a week ago, last Monday.  Matt and Crank aired the soundtrack of a 1950’s PSA they allegedly found on the Internet.  We do know, however, it is one of Matt and Crank’s feeble attempts at humor as they push their agenda of bigotry and White Christian heterosexual male superiority.

Matt and Crank try to tell us how to recognize foreigners from “normal people.”    They delight us with facts like Black people have Black skin and wear large clothing.  Asian people have yellow skin and are often seen jumping, high kicking, and other sorts of foreign sorcery. 

Foreigners like Canadians, however, look too much like us to be easily distinguished as a foreigner, so they teach us a test we can conduct to determine if someone is a foreigner or a normal person.  Lick their cheek because foreigners have a salty, musky taste and secrete a sticky mucous.  If you lick a foreigner, be sure to spit the mucous back into the foreigner’s face because the mucous is poisonous.

No matter how we at the Critics Page try to look at this segment, we see blatant bigotry bordering on racism being passed off as entertainment.  Matt and Crank’s underlying message is clear – if you are not White or speak a different language, you are here to undermine common codes of morals and ethics, that is, destroy the American (read White) society.

If this sort of entertainment were a one time slip by Matt and Crank, we could write it off as simply a bad attempt to entertain us.  However, we know this sort of commentary from Matt and Crank is a staple of their program.  We only listened to their program twice last week, about an hour each time.  On Monday, we’re treated to the subversive tactics of foreigners and told to spit in their face.  On Friday, we’re treated to the evils of the lesbian feminists and their subversive tactics to get women out of the house and working instead of cooking, cleaning, and raising the kids.

Maybe Matt and Crank share ancestry with Mr. Pestre and have solved the problem that caused his WWII training program to fail.  Instead of sniffing out the foreigners, the dogs should be trained to lick out the foreigners. 

Matt and Crank's PSA on foreigners:



The Critics Page looking for a sixth member

The Critics Page listened to a sizable portion of yesterday's programming on WZBH.  The trend towards less inciteful rhetoric that we have noticed over the last three weeks continues.  In fact, we only heard one objectionable comment by a DJ yesterday coming from the Matt and Crank Show.

While talking to the owner of a local gym about their upcoming dance lessons, Matt posed the question of what women really think about men dancing.  He asked if they find a man who dances sexy or see him as a "fairy boy."  We don't know what a fairy boy is, but given Matt's past record on talking about gays, we're pretty sure he wasn't making a compliment.

On the Chris Steele show, a sexist commercial for Dodge trucks aired.  We understand that Chris Steele does not have control over the ads that are played and we do not fault him for the commercial.  Dodge, apparently, thinks the month of February is a woman's month with Valentine's Day and isn't "manly" enough.  The commercial goes on to appeal to the "man", which anyone over thirty knows they are trying to appeal to the boys under thirty.

We only mention this because we have noticed a general trend towards blatant sexism in commercials through any medium.  Delmarva List, for example, is currently airing two blatantly sexist commercials on the WBOC.  One appeals to the woman because women don't like sports and even encourages the woman to lie to her man by saying she'll get him a beer and, instead, encourages her to sign up for the daily deals.  The other appeals to the man by telling him to forget the "chick flicks" and watch what he really wants to watch - sports - on a big screen TV.

Ok, so we're straying a bit from the purpose of this website, but we are straying to make a point.  When it comes to the blatant sexism in the commercials, an ad executive from a competitor company will come along and demolish the competition with a counter ad - ironically, an ad probably laced with the same sexism.  Ford, for example, may come out with an ad to counter Dodge's ad and feature a beautiful woman driving the truck all over a Dodge and end the ad with something suggestive like "Come take me for a test drive."   If Ford were to put out an ad like this, at least Ford, unlike Dodge, acknowledges that women like to drive trucks, too.  In other words, there's balance between the competing commercials.

We have yet to hear any balance in WZBH's programming that would counter comments like Matt's fairy boy comment.  If gays and lesbians are mentioned, they are mentioned only in a negative context.  Women are mentioned only in the context of being a play thing or should be home cooking and cleaning.  Muslims are mentioned only as blowing up buildings are persecuting Christians.  Blacks are into drugs or standing in line for food stamps.  We're hard pressed to find any positive - or even nuetral - comments made about women, Muslims, Blacks or any other race, or gays and lesbians.

This critic was caught by surprise with one quick blurb put out by WZBH.  In fact, it was so quick, this critic is still scratching his head over whether it was a real message or not.  WZBH announced that if anyone was considering filing a lawsuit against the station to please call them.

We, at The Critics Page, never considered filing a lawsuit.  We figured bleeding ears was a normal symptom from listening to kids all day.  Now that WZBH has given us the idea of filing a lawsuit, we are like, "Hey, why not?"

This is where we need a sixth person in our group.  Since bleeding ears would probably be viewed by a jury as a normal and expected symptom of listening to the kids on WZBH, we need a sixth person who fits the description of WZBH's frequent ridicule that we have documented or can document.  We are looking for a Black Japanese, Muslim, heterosexual woman who has undergone a sex change operation and is now a Black Japanese, Muslim, gay man.  You must be a legal citizen of Delmarva with proof of your right to work on Delmarva.  We will consider applicants of foreign countries from the other side of the Bay if you have the proper work visa and green card authorizing you to be on Delmarva.  If you don't have the proper paperwork, please don't cross the Bay Bridge.  You won't be interviewed for the position.

Once The Critic's Page accepts the new member as described above, we'll move forward with the lawsuit and we'll be a shoe-in to own WZBH with ownership split evenly among all six members.

A shining glimmer of change overshadowed by an old, Black homeless guy

In what may be an unprecedented move, Matt, of the Matt and Crank Show, uttered a profound statement.  In a segment about Crank finding a lost dog, a caller, using a bad Asian accent, tried to claim the dog.  Matt reprimanded the caller for using stale stereotypes of Koreans in a vain attempt at humor.

What a break through!  If only Matt and Crank - and a couple of other DJs - would discard stereotypes when trying to make a point or be funny, the overall programming on WZBH would be more palatable.  For the listener, the change would be like scrapping the McDonald's happy meal for an Olive Garden pasta feast.  Then, if Matt and Crank and a couple of the other DJs moved from scrapping the stereotypes to interjecting originality, for the listener, that would be like moving from the Olive Garden to Chef Ramsey's five-star restaurant.

But, alas, Matt's reprimand for using stale stereotypes to be funny was lost on him an hour later.  He, Crank, and Intern A produced a rap song, "Teach me to be a hippie."  Throughout the morning show, Matt stated he didn't think the song turned out as funny as he imagined it.  Before playing the song, he told listeners to imagine an old, Black homeless man singing.  Why old?  Why Black?  Why homeless?  And why tell the listeners what to imagine as they listened?

Matt was right.  The song sucked.  Something about incest with cousins, hugging trees, and protecting animals.  There were parts of the song where this critic could imagine an aging Cheech spewing his drug-warped philosophy, but that's only because Cheech played the part so well on That 70's Show.  For all of Bill Gate's money combined with all of that FaceBook founder's money, this critic couldn't even pretend to have imagined an old, Black homeless guy rapping the song. 

When listeners started texting praise for the song, Matt commented something to the effect that the rap song wasn't that bad for a bunch of White guys at a rock station.  No.  It wasn't that bad.  It was worse than you thought.  The stereotypes used to preface the song, used throughout the song, and used after the song served no purpose other than to denigrate those who don't belong to the group of  good ol' young White guys down at the local rock station.

Below is the segment about the lost dog and Matt's reprimand to the caller for using stale stereotypes in an attempt to be funny.  Unfortunately, after recording, this critic had to leave for work and was unable to record the rap song segment.

Refreshing change in in WZBH programming

Last night, WZBH Critics Page listened to about an hour each of the early evening show hosted by Chris Steele and Lights Out with JJ. 

Chris Steele didn't steer clear of controversial commentary.  He dove head first into a commentary on the rising gas prices.  He quite effectively expressed the frustrations many people feel with the rising gas prices, government ineffectiveness, and the powerlessness of the average American to do anything about it.  Steele proved one can tackle controversial political speech without singling out a group of people based on their race, ethnicity, sex, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, or physical disability for blame or ridicule.

JJ contributed his nightly dumbass report.  Usually his dumbass reports are entertaining and makes the listener shake his/her head in disbelief.  Last night was no exception as we learned of an argument over french fries that led to a shooting.  If any criticism were to be leveled, it would be JJ's use of the phrase "nightly dumbass".  "Dumbass" carries with it a small degree of affection.  When your friend does something stupid, he's a dumbass.  When your kids do something stupid, they're dumbasses.  When a stranger does something stupid, they're idiots.

Unfortunately, during both shows, a promo clip from the Matt and Crank Show originally aired earlier in the morning was played.  Each time, Crank had the opportunity to once again remind listeners that scientists in Japan are trying to clone a mammoth because "They're Japanese.  They have no scruples."  The fact the scientists are Japanese has no bearing on the level of scruples they may or may not possess.

Gays, Japenese, women, and midgets are fair game

WZBH Critics Page monitored yesterday's early evening show with Chris Steele for about an hour.  Delightful programming.  Plenty of music with minimal commercial breaks and station promotions.

This morning's fare on the Matt & Crank Show stood in stark contrast to yesterday's evening show.  In an hour and twenty-five minutes, Matt and Crank managed to attack gays, the Japanese, women, and midgets with their banal, high school level "humor".

WZBH Critics Page tuned in during their news story of scientists and experts claiming that California should prepare for a super storm as archelogical evidence indicates California is prone to super storms every couple of hundred years.  Matt commented that after the Great Flood, God promised He would not flood the lands again, and sealed that promise with a rainbow.  He theorized that maybe since Californians have "bastardized" God's symbol of that promise, God will take back his promise and wash all those immoral Californians out to sea.  He added he certainly wouldn't miss California if it were washed out to sea.  The subtle, anti-gay sentiment was made clear.

Matt and Crank then covered a story about the Japanese scientists' plan to clone the extinct mammoth.  When Matt rhetorically asked why the Japanese would attempt such a thing, Crank's response was that because they were Japanese and they can and the Japanese have no scruples to weight the possible consequences of bringing back an extinct animal.  Talking about mammoths, however, allowed Matt to interject two jokes aimed at overweight women - one about the "Asian elephant" he went to school with and the other about the "fat chick" he created in one of his crude cloning experiments that went wrong.  In one fell swoop, they managed to slam people of a particular national origin and overweight women in general.

The last entry was a challenge to Intern B to research "freaks" so that they could award circus tickets to a listener who could answer Intern B's questions about freaks.  Idle banter about "midgets" ensued followed by the claim that throwing water on a midget causes them to change into gremlins.  Apparently, in Matt and Cranks eyes, little people are freaks who turn into gremlins.

WZBH Critics Page stopped listening to the show at this point.  Banal, adolescent humor to deride gays, the Japanese, overweight women, and little people within a little over an hour was enough entertainment for one morning.  Regretfully, recordings of the particular segments mentioned were not made.