Who's whiter?

From the days of Matt Walsh until present, whenever Crank wanted to "win" a point in a debate or wanted to justify his "open mindedness", he would point to his Portuguese wife and say, "I'm not racist. I married a foreign woman!"

Who's whiter? We say the baby, followed by Maria, with Crank lagging behind a shade and a half darker as the unshaven, dumbass redneck.

You know, we really get upset when foreigners weasel their way into this country. Ok, Maria, you were blinded by love and you married Crank to get him legalized on Delmarva as a citizen, but we have 500 pcs of gold if you send his ass back to that foreign country on the other side of the Susquehanna.  We'll double that offer if you take him down to Wallops Island on the next rocket launch and send him on his merry way.

Hey, Crank, even though we don't believe you belong on Delmarva, congrats on the new addition to your family.  Our only question is why did you feel it necessary to flaunt your heterosexuality in such a public way?

Job application for cohost on The Worst Show Ever....

Dear Hiring Manager

Apparently, Crank is the coworker from Hell.  In four years, he has gone through, count 'em, six cohosts.  Yup, six of them: Matt Walsh, JJ, Sarah, Phoebus, Ian McKay, and Leah.  While most good companies would've fired the coworker from Hell, Great Scott Broadcasting promotes Crank to Operations Manager and allows Crank to fly solo, a gig he has failed at more than once.

Us five drunk rednecks are opportunists and one of us needs a job.  Mr. Crowley is willing to take on the employee from Hell and may the best man win.  Please accept Mr. Crowley's résumé as his expressed interest in the position of cohost on The Worst Show Ever. 

Bubba Joe Crowley
Second House Past the Oak Tree
Crowley's Bend, MD 21613

 

Objective:   Git a paycheck.

Edeacation:

                Crowley's High School   1987-1996 
                                * Gradeated ninth grade auto shop
 

 Experience:

                All my life to six months ago   Pa's Farmhand

                Responsbilties:

                                * Plowed fields, fed farm animals, baled harvests.

                                * Left job when DEA claimed Pa grew illegal tobacca and stole the farm from us.

                Achievements:

                                * Tell time by position of the sun.

                                * Spit a tobacca wad twenty feet, knockin a fly clear to the ground.
                                * Tell you the kind of grass jist by chewin the blade (legal grass, not the other kind).
                                * Learned to operate complicated chemistry machines by brewin white lightnin in
                                   Pa's back woods.  (DEA seized this, too.)

                Six months ago to present       Crowley's Corner Auto Shop

                Responsbilities:

                                 * Clean up all the beer cans and cigarette butts throughout the day

                                * Layed off from lack of business.  Folks actually spected us to fix their pickups, not
                                   leave them up on blocks.

                Achievements:

                                * Crush a beer can on my forehead with no visible damage, cept to the can.

                                * Perfected wolf whistle and other communication skills with women.
                                * Learned proper way to mount gun rack in back of a pickup.

Refrences:   Never been outside of Dorchester County.  Everyone else I know is my kin.

Thank you for taking the time to review Mr. Crowley's qualifications.  Based on the current cast of talent at WZBH, he feels he is more than qualified to fill the position and take WZBH to new heights.  He feels confident the next cohost to leave The Worst Show Ever will be Crank - if you choose to hire Mr. Crowley.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.  It is Mr. Crowley's turn to buy the beer so the sooner you can get him on the payroll, the sooner he can start buying the beer he owes the rest of us.

Regards,

Five Drunk Rednecks

Sarah and her Pom-Pom Boys

All week we've heard Sarah's little blurb promoting The Worst Show Ever.  It goes something along the lines of Crank, who some people confuse with Frank, and Phoebus, who some people confuse with Phobic or some such.  Sarah, well it's really hard to confuse Sarah.

How about Tara, Mara, Cara, Farah, or our favorite, Coffee Girl?  C'mon, Sarah.  At least us three guys are rooting for you (the two women in our group are jealous).  It's time to take the reigns of the show and demonstrate to the two little boys what intelligent and funny, combined, means.  Tell you what, Sarah.  You take control of the show, like you were born to do, and us three guys will come down there and force Phoebus and Crank to don cheerleader outfits to rah-rah you on.  Then we'll post the video on YouTube headlined as "Sarah's Best Show Ever with her Pom Pom Boys.

Who has the most gay sex appeal?

Last Saturday we had a blast in Baltimore.   Up front, we'll be honest.  Three of us have "been around the block" and sort of knew what to expect out of the evening.  Yes, those three have been off of Delmarva and are familiar with big cities and all that goes on in them.   The other one of us has visited Baltimore and Philadelphia, but hardly enough to say she was experienced in city life.  The last one, born and raised on Delmarva, has been to the other side of the Bay by boat, but never drove there.  Driving over the Bay Bridge, a structure he has driven his boat under many times, is something he never did.  He was more scared of driving over the Bridge than he was going to gay bars.

We hooked up with Shannon's friend, John, to start our tour.  John lives the gay life in Baltimore and knows all the gay bars.  Hell of a nice guy and we all felt very comfortable with him within minutes of meeting.  He wanted to start us off right and picked the Hippo as our first stop.

The Hippo looks small on the outside, but is huge on the inside.  When you walk in, you enter a typical bar with pool tables and pinball machines.  Off to the side are stairs leading down to the dance floor.  It's like having two bars in one. 

Upstairs are all the cheap, city-style rednecks, mostly middle-aged, who don't want to pay the cover charge to go downstairs.  Downstairs is where all the young, hip people dance, party, and do whatever young people do now-a-days.

We started our night upstairs.  We took a table and John went to the bar to get us a couple of pitchers of beer - Budweiser, not Coors Light.   We poured our first beer hoping one of us would loosen up and get on with our unscientific poll.  Walking around a bar showing pictures is one of the top ten things one should never do.  Talking to a stranger and then saying, "Oh, by the way, what do you think of these pictures?" is one of the top eleven things one should never do.

Long story short, none of us...well almost none of us...hadn't finished our first beer when a guy came over to talk to us.  He came over very friendly, but his sights were set on Brian, the waterman who had never driven over the Bay Bridge.

After a few minutes of chit chat, Brian picked up on the guy's intention.  In his laid back way and Eastern Shore accent, he leaned back on his chair and said, "Tim, you're a nice guy, but..." he pointed to his wife, "...she won't let me do anything."

We all laughed, even Tim, and we proceeded to tell him the story of why we were at the bar. 

He took a seat and said, "Let me see the pictures."

We showed him the two pictures we had.  Unfortunately, we did not have a picture of Sarah so we'll never know her gay sex appeal.  We did have a picture of JJ posing in his self-described portrait of Chewbacca.  We also had a picture of Crank from his FaceBook page where he is growling with his tiny dog.

Tim's reaction to JJ was a simple, "Eh" and flipped to Crank's picture.  His response to Crank's picture was a question.  "Is this guy running for Mr. Leather?"

We explained that both guys were straight, and Crank was the married one.  We just wanted to know what their appeal to a gay guy was since JJ had made the comment that Crank didn't look gay.

Tim laughed.  "This guy," pointing to the picture of JJ, "would win the best costume on Halloween at the full moon party.  The little guy with the dog, he could be runner up, if not win, the Mr. Leather contest."

We didn't understand all he was saying, but it would become clearer as the night progressed. 

Tim was a great guy.  He spread the word throughout the bar what we were doing and everyone dropped by our table to "rate" the pictures we had. 

When we finished our pitchers of beer, we paid the cover charge and went downstairs.  With a little more confidence of what happened upstairs, we had equal success downstairs.  All the guys and women gladly gave their opinion of the pictures we showed them.

We left the Hippo and hit four more bars.  Across town, we stopped at the Quest, a bar of mostly older men forty and above.  Then we went back across town to Leon's followed by the Gallery, both bars of a mixed crowd of ages.  The last bar we hit was the leather bar, The Eagle.

Prior to The Eagle, here's the breakdown of JJ and Crank's gay sex appeal: 

• JJ underwhelmed everyone. 
  
  In the under thirty crowd, responses ranged from "Hell no" to "What the Hell is that?"
  
  In the thirty to fifty crowd, responses were an unequivocal "Eh...nah."
  
  In the over fifty crowd, "Well, if there's no one else to go home with, maybe"
• Crank was more of an enigma. The response to him depended on the bar we were in.  Patrons at The Eagle and Gallery were much more receptive towards Crank.  Eliminating the responses from these two bars, here is how Crank ranked.
  
  In the under thirty crowd, responses were generally "Ok, but not my type."
  
  In the thirty to fifty crowd, responses ranged from "Yeah, he's kind of good looking" to "Oh, what I could do to that bald head."
  
  In the over fifty crowd, responses were an unequivocal, "Hell yeah, I'd take that boy home."

Now we have to talk about The Gallery and The Eagle.  The Eagle is a gay leather bar.  The Gallery sits about a block away and is a toned down version The Eagle.  JJ wasn't a hit in any bar.  Crank was a mediocre hit until we hit these two bars.

The leather bar is predominately middle-aged men and older who wear leather.  They are big, beefy men and usually hairy.  Picture a bad-ass motorcycle gang member, and you got a picture of the typical leather bar patron.  Complimenting the middle-aged men are the young "cubs", who also wear leather, but are less hairy, if any hair at all.

It was in these two bars Crank was a big hit.  Almost everyone wanted to know if Crank were running for the Mr. Leather title.  John, our tour guide, filled us in that in the leather community, they not only run a local Mr. Leather contest, but the winner goes on to compete in the Mr. International Leather competition.  This is one beauty pageant none of us five knew about.

Almost everyone in these two bars thought we were showing Crank's picture to promote him in the upcoming Mr. Leather competition.  And almost everyone wanted to meet him.  That's meet, not meat. 

JJ, as hairy as his Chewbacca picture was, garnered no comments.  But we want to point out that The Eagle has had an ongoing celebration of the full moon for many years.  They have a monthly celebration, called a Full Moon Party, where, if you strip down to your undies, you get drinks at half price all night. 

We make mention of this because about a month ago, when Crank mentioned August had a blue moon, that being a second full moon in the same month, JJ had a great idea of local bars celebrating the full moon.  He thought his idea was original, but, no, it turns out the gay guys have been celebrating it for many years. 

So while JJ has no gay sex appeal, at least he thinks like a gay guy.  And Crank, he's the darling of the gay community, and a big hit in a segment of it. 

JJ is a blonde female

Let's get one thing straight.  The five of us at the Critics Page are in agreement that public personalities who rely on stereotypes to make a point or a joke lack the creativity, mastery of the English language, and intellectual depth to be called anything other than wannabes.  Thankfully, we have noticed a trend with Crank and JJ to move away from using stereotypes in an attempt to be funny or make a point.  There have been a couple of "slip ups" that were more in the gray area of the definition of a stereotype - mostly concerning the notion of a "real man" - but certainly nothing blatantly offensive as was the staple of the old Matt and Crank show.  For that, we thank Crank and JJ and applaud WZBH for making the overall tone of the programming at the station more palatable to a diverse audience.

After listening to the Crank and JJ show the last couple of weeks, we decided to have fun with this review and use stereotypes to drive home the point of why using stereotypes is not only offensive, but can lead to erroneous conclusions. 

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours on end?
A: Ask her which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Yes, that's a real joke and perpetuates the myth that blondes, specifically female blondes, are airheads. 

The other day, Crank made a comparison to the daily dumbass who set himself on fire and fell out of his deer blind to his death to the chicken and egg question.  Did the fire kill the man or the fall?

JJ asked, dumbfoundedly, what did the chicken and the egg have to do with the story of the hunter.  For the next five minutes or so, listeners were treated to JJ's inability to comprehend the chicken and egg question as it related to the daily dumbass story because he never heard the chicken and egg question before in his entire life.

There you have it.  Proof JJ is a blonde female.  He only let the question go because a commercial break interrupted him.

Still not convinced?  We know, based on another stereotype, that women take ten minutes to tell a two-minute story.  Listen to JJ give his daily dumbass report.  Today, the two-minute story was about a guy arrested for hitting his girlfriend, who slapped a bottle of pills out of his hands thinking he was trying to commit suicide.  He was trying to commit suicide by overdosing on what he believed were sleeping pills, but the reason he earned the title of daily dumbass was because the bottle of pills he tried to OD on was a bottle of Flinstone vitamins.  Like it would a woman, it took JJ more than five minutes to get to the point that the sleeping pills were Flintstone vitamins.

In fact, two of us at the Critics Page usually never find out who the daily dumbass is and why because we switch stations before JJ gets to the point, much like we tune out our wives when they start telling us a story.  Too many words to say not much of anything.

So there you have it - proof JJ is really a blonde female. 

And, hopefully, a lesson of why no one should rely on stereotypes to make a point or be funny.  We're pretty sure JJ is not a blonde female despite fitting the stale and false stereotype.



Matt and Crank moonlighting

We've been listening to WZBH for the last couple of weeks, but really there isn't much to review that would stay in line with our stated purpose.  Sure, Matt said "fag", once, but in the context he used the word, we'd be splitting hairs on his intent.   JJ is still drunk and Chris Steele is mellow.  We're out of a job...

...except for our discovery of Matt and Crank's moonlighting behind their employer's back.  Yes, we did some digging and couldn't find any dirt on Matt and Crank.  Ok, we won't mention the underage possession charge citation and, no, we won't say if it was Matt or Crank who is the criminal. rather we will say it was Crank who was cited with the underage possession. Suffice it to say that one he is a criminal and he was over eighteen at the time of his arrest.  Eighteen-year-olds are trusted with M-16's fighting for our country so the "I was just a kid" excuse doesn't cut it.  Now, if he were arrested while serving our country, then the arresting officer would've been the criminal even if the law says otherwise.  But since the criminal decided to shirk his civic responsibility and let his peers fight for his rights while he hides behind a microphone lambasting everyone who appears to be infinging on his rights - he is nothing more than a criminal for drinking under twenty-one.

Back to the moonlighting gig.  Yes, we have found evidence that Matt and Crank have a second job and could probably be considered a conflict of interest by their employer.  The sad part of it is that if they made half the sense on their morning show as they do on their moonlighting job, Matt and Crank on WZBH would actually be entertaining and informative.

(Yes, the clip below is to show we do have a sense of humor and we don't mind ridiculing the two who ridicule everyone else.  And the underage possession charge is not made up)