Sylvester, the ailing cat

The verdict is in.  Phoebus is a bland, predictable, no-talent.  When he was solo at night, we suspected as much, and often wondered what his Sylvester, the ailing cat voice was all about.  Now that he is on the morning show, we don't have to wonder any more. 

Friday morning, he did (not performed, because performed implies talent) a skit titled "50 Shades of Gay", supposedly a parody of a popular novel, "50 Shades of Gray".  Quick, if you didn't hear the sketch, what do you think Phoebus did? 

If you guessed a lispy, stereotyped "gay voice" that substituted adolescent euphemisms for certain body parts in describing a sex scene between two men, you would be almost right.  The "gay voice" was more like an ailing Sylvester the Cat done in different octaves to signal different characters than it was a "gay voice".   

We need to talk about what a "gay voice" is.  Simply put, it is an effeminate-sounding, lispy voice used by comedians over forty years ago, when gays first started "coming out", to make fun of gay people and strengthen the belief that gay men are not real men.  Sure, some men, both straight and gay, have a "gay voice".  Most men, and most gay men, do not have that voice.  But that fact doesn't stop comedian wannabes today from using the "gay voice" to signal a gay character, even if they don't mean it to be offensive, as it was meant to be when used over forty years ago. 

Comedians who rely on stereotypes to be funny walk a very thin line between being funny and being offensive, especially if the comedian doesn't belong to the group of people he is making fun of.  It can be done, but obviously not by Phoebus.   

Andy Dick's Gay Barbie Song is an example of a funny parody.  He uses a "gay voice" to poke fun at his jealousy over an American pop icon, Barbie and Ken.  One could over-analyze the song and deem it offensive, but when one first hears the song, one can't help but laugh.  The humor is unexpected and pokes fun at the fakeness of Barbie's world compared to the real world.  Who couldn't laugh at the line, "I guess Ken likes boobs made of fake parts"?  Andy Dick (and, yes, we catch the pun of his last name) uses the "gay voice" to poke fun at Barbie's world, not to make fun of gay people. 

Along comes Phoebus and tries a parody that pokes fun at what?  Who knows?  The unimaginative title of the skit, "50 Shades of Gay" falls flat and tells the listener the skit is probably intended to make fun of gay people.  Unfortunately, his "gay voice" is not a "gay voice" at all, but a voice of Sylvester the Cat with the flu.  He proceeds to read an excerpt from the book, "50 Shades of Gray", substituting stale euphemisms, like steak sandwich, for certain body parts and different octaves of his ailing Sylvester the Cat voice to signal different characters.  The question remains: what the Hell was he poking fun at?  We don't know. 

He certainly wasn't making fun of the book, "50 Shades of Gray".  We doubt he even read the book to know what to poke fun at, and we're pretty sure he is aware that his audience, the average WZBH listener, not only hasn't read the book, but only has a vague idea what the book is about.  "50 Shades of Gray" is not a Barbie and Ken type pop icon everyone is familiar with. 

He couldn't be making fun of gay people because he simply read an excerpt from a book.  He must've been making fun of Sylvester the Cat and adolescents who still think "steak sandwich" is a funny euphemism.  After several beers, that is the only explanation we could come up with. 

Given WZBH's past record of gay bashing (remember the real man quips?), the station would be best to leave the gay jokes and parodies to the professionals on other stations who can tastefully pull it off.  Phoebus (as well as Crank and JJ) need to lose their fascination with everything gay.  It's getting as old and stale as Phoebus' latest skit.

Getting the facts wrong - again

Crank is proof God stuffs oversized egos in little packages.  Crank is upset, or maybe more accurately, irritated, by or last review.  Crank and Phoebus spent a few minutes reviewing our comments, but, like most anything they have to comment on, Crank's version is high on egocentricity and low on facts.  We'd like to set the record straight.

- The Critics page is not a "hater page".  How can one hate something that has given them so much amusement over the last couple of years?

- We don't have it "in" for Crank.  After a particularly offensive show back in Aug 2010, Crank's then co-host Matt Walsh issued a challenge to all listeners complaining about the content of the show to go ahead and call the station and try to get them fired.  We took Matt and Crank up on the challenge.  We've been having fun ever since.

- Despite Crank's claim made to a caller, Crank, nor anyone from WZBH or Great Scott Broadcasting, ever contacted us about appearing on the show.  For the record, we're not interested in fifteen minutes of fame (or infamy) anyway.

- Our review that Crank takes offence to has nothing to do with our belief (or lack of belief) that people don't or shouldn't judge other people.  The review has everything to do with Crank's claim that they get paid to judge people.  We like to think Great Scott Broadcasting pays the morning crew to entertain people, not judge them.

Here's the low down.  Crank is like a little chihuahua.  When a chihuahua starts its yapping, most everyone has a flash of drop-kicking the yapper through the goal posts, but they don't drop-kick the little thing because, somehow, that little yapper has endeared himself.  Crank is no different.  No, we're not trying to get him fired and we're not picking on him.  When he starts yapping, we start writing.  Writing is more humane than drop-kicking.

For the most part, we catch the morning show once, maybe twice a week, which is why our latest reviews center on the morning show.  Our verdict is still out on Phoebus.  We like him because he plays Devil's advocate with Crank and we haven't heard Phoebus impersonate an ailing, Sylvester the Cat lately, but we still don't know what to make of him.  We wish Sarah would have her own show instead of playing the coffee girl.  We vow to listen to Lights Out with JJ one of these nights, maybe.  One member of our group can listen to JJ for about two minutes and his review would be one sentence: JJ's an idiot.  The rest of us might be able to expand on that.  We have caught Captain Blue, but how does one write a review on a funny, professional DJ?  He's good at what he does, much like Doug McKenzie is good, too.  Reviews of these two would be a boring read.  Hmmm, that could be a challenge, though.  Believe it or not, criticizing is easy.  Praising is a lot harder.  Maybe we do need to challenge ourselves.

Crank makes a startling revelation

Crank made a startling revelation on this morning's show that was an eye opener for us.  We've been operating on the premise that morning show hosts get paid to entertain their listeners.  According to Crank, they get paid to judge people.  The only people we know who are paid to judge people are judges, and they have strict laws to abide by to pass judgement.  We've said it as far back as the Matt and Crank days and we'll say it again: Crank needs to go home to the Western Shore.  We think it would serve WZBH well to hire a morning show host who thinks his/her job is to entertain people, not judge them.

Shocking, utterly shocking!

The two of the five of us who listened to The Worst Show Ever, this morning, were shocked - not once, but twice.  First, when talking about Manti Te, they questioned why the NFL should need to know Te's sexual orientation because it is illegal to ask a prospective employee any personal question, including their sexual orientation.  Crank, Sarah, and the guy we don't care about (ok, Phoebus - we're starting to care) all agreed the NFL had to be breaking laws wanting to know Te's sexual orientation and supported Te's right to play football regardless of his sexual orientation.

In a later segment, they asked listeners what they thought of Million Mom's call for a boycott of Geico for promoting beastiality.  In prefacing the story, they mentioned Million Mom's other boycotts, including Ellen DeGenres for being lesbian.  Again, all three stepped up to the plate and dismissed the past boycotts and Phoebus went so far as to mildly scold the "homophobes".  Yes, he used the "H" word.

Considering WZBH's, and particularly the Morning Show's, past record of discussing gay topics, we never expected to see a 360-degree turn around in attitudes towards gays and lesbians.  As long as the trend at WZBH is to portray gays and lesbians in a positive, and respectful, manner and continues on a regular basis, the occasional gay joke could be entertaining, or simply in bad taste and not funny.

A step backwards in dog poop

Let's see....  In the last two and a half years, WZBH has gone from Matt & Crank; to Crank; to JJ & Crank; to JJ, Crank, & Sarah; to JJ & Sarah; back to JJ, Crank, & Sarah; and now to Crank, Sarah, and some guy.  We don't know who the guy is nor do we care.  (Ok, we do know who he is, but we didn't care about him before The Morning Show, so we won't pretend to care now.)

Out of all their tries, the second try of JJ, Crank, and Sarah was the best.  It even attained a mildly entertaining value despite some blatant hiccups.  At least JJ and Crank acted like a team even if Sarah remained as the token female on the show.  The new lineup is a giant step back landing squarely in dog poop.

Sadly, Sarah retains her token female position.  She's like the classy collie unnoticed by anyone in the room.  Even her own segment, "Tinsel Town Low Down" isn't really hers.  Sarah reads a headline, and a yappy chihuahua, Crank, takes over the story as if he is just full of information.  The bulldog (the other guy we don't care about) tries to push in, but true to a chihuahua's personality, Crank yaps away and dominates as the alpha male. 

The exchanges made each of us say, "Shut the Hell up already."  Can you blame us?  Who likes a yappy dog, especially one who has to throw in at least three umms or uhhs in every yapping sequence?  Something about the squeaky, tenor, almost alto, voice of the chihuahua contrasting with the bulldog's slow, bass voice is, in itself, a comedy act, but it gets old and annoying real fast.

"Yap, yap, umm, yappity yap yap, yap, uhh, yap, yap-yap, yap, umm, yap" followed by "Roof, roof, roof".  Yeah, that's the gist of the show.  Someone throw the collie a milkbone for being  a good little girl and keeping quiet.

The bright side of the new Morning Show?  Given its past record, we should get a new cast of characters in about another four or five months.  Hopefully sooner, not later.

Some radio personalities refuse to grow

It's been what...four or five months since we last listened to WZBH?  Today broke that streak when I happened to tune in.  After two years, one would expect some maturity developing in the morning show team, but, alas, both Crank and JJ are stuck in their adolocent mentality and Sarah lurks somewhere in the background.

Oh, and they still fudge the truth of a story to get their digs in on a group of people, in this case...yes, you guessed it...gays.

The story concerned San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Cullivers' homophobic remarks on a radio station.  In Crank and JJ's version of the story, all Culliver said was that he would feel uncomfortable in the locker room with a gay player and then they railed against the "mind control" efforts of the NFL forcing him into sensitivity training.  From Crank and JJ's standpoint, Culliver simply voiced a concern and he shouldn't have to apologize nor attend sensitivity training.  Crank and JJ still operate under the mistaken belief that free speech means one can say whatever they want, whenever they want, and where ever they want.

The facts of the story paint a different picture than what Crank and JJ wanted us to believe.  The most obvious observation of the interview is it is a testament to the failure of our education system.  Culliver can't speak a coherent sentence.  The man would be best to keep his mouth shut, play football, and just let fans think he's a smart guy.

What Culliver didn't say was he would be uncomfortable in a locker room with a gay guy.  What he did say, no bones about it, is gays don't need to be playing football, at least not on his team. 

Lange asked Culliver if any members of the 49ers were homosexual or if he had ever been approached by "gay guys".

"I don't do the gay guys man, I don't do that," Culliver said. "Nah, we ain't got no gay people on the team."

"They gotta get up outta here if they do. Can't be with that sweet stuff. Nah, can't be in the locker room."  (source: Global Post) 

 He went on to say that if a gay guy were playing for the team, he'd be best not to tell anyone until ten years after he retired.

This may come as a surprise to Crank and JJ, but if one is speaking in public on behalf of the company he works for or the audience will associate his comments with the company he works for (in this case, a football team and the NFL), the employee (in this case, the football player) is expected to keep his personal opinion to himself and represent his company in the best possible light.  San Francisco 49ers have a nondiscrimination policy and support the gay community, at least that is 49ers' official, public stance. 

By no stretch of the imagination can Cullivers' words be interpretted as him saying he would be "uncomfortable" in a locker room with a gay player.  He made it very clear there is no room for gay people on his team nor in his locker room.

What cracked me up most about Crank and JJ's glossed over commentary was when JJ stated he'd be uncomfortable with a gay guy in a locker room checking him out, too.  What sort of arrogance can one person hold to believe he's all that to be worth staring at in the shower?  I'll give you a hint, JJ.  You ain't got it, as our unoffical poll of gay men in Baltimore shows.

Yes, their commentary was problematic, if not downright offensive.  It perpetuates the myth that gay men are oversexed perverts that they'll check anyone out, even JJ.  I can almost guarantee that if Crank, JJ, or anyone else ever showered in a locker room with other guys, odds are good there was a gay guy in there, and no one was staring at anyone. 

The military is testament to that.  Look how many gay guys have served or were serving before the ban on openly gay members serving was lifted.  They all showered with the straight guys, and guess what?  They didn't ogle the other guys.  Of course, both Crank and JJ shirked their civic duty of serving in the military, but if they were as active in sports as they claim, it's safe to say they most likely showered with at least one gay guy who they didn't know was gay.

Once again, if Crank and JJ had done their homework, they wouldn't have touched this story.  WZBH and Great Scott Broadcasting does, after all, have a nondiscriminatory policy.  Perpetuating myths in a effort to justify homophobic remarks and keep the gay people separated, you would think, is a violation of that policy. 

But, hey, I do give credit to Crank and JJ for at least trying to tone down their anti-gay rhetoric.  They still need to join Culliver in a sensitivity class, though.

Who has the most gay sex appeal?

Last Saturday we had a blast in Baltimore.   Up front, we'll be honest.  Three of us have "been around the block" and sort of knew what to expect out of the evening.  Yes, those three have been off of Delmarva and are familiar with big cities and all that goes on in them.   The other one of us has visited Baltimore and Philadelphia, but hardly enough to say she was experienced in city life.  The last one, born and raised on Delmarva, has been to the other side of the Bay by boat, but never drove there.  Driving over the Bay Bridge, a structure he has driven his boat under many times, is something he never did.  He was more scared of driving over the Bridge than he was going to gay bars.

We hooked up with Shannon's friend, John, to start our tour.  John lives the gay life in Baltimore and knows all the gay bars.  Hell of a nice guy and we all felt very comfortable with him within minutes of meeting.  He wanted to start us off right and picked the Hippo as our first stop.

The Hippo looks small on the outside, but is huge on the inside.  When you walk in, you enter a typical bar with pool tables and pinball machines.  Off to the side are stairs leading down to the dance floor.  It's like having two bars in one. 

Upstairs are all the cheap, city-style rednecks, mostly middle-aged, who don't want to pay the cover charge to go downstairs.  Downstairs is where all the young, hip people dance, party, and do whatever young people do now-a-days.

We started our night upstairs.  We took a table and John went to the bar to get us a couple of pitchers of beer - Budweiser, not Coors Light.   We poured our first beer hoping one of us would loosen up and get on with our unscientific poll.  Walking around a bar showing pictures is one of the top ten things one should never do.  Talking to a stranger and then saying, "Oh, by the way, what do you think of these pictures?" is one of the top eleven things one should never do.

Long story short, none of us...well almost none of us...hadn't finished our first beer when a guy came over to talk to us.  He came over very friendly, but his sights were set on Brian, the waterman who had never driven over the Bay Bridge.

After a few minutes of chit chat, Brian picked up on the guy's intention.  In his laid back way and Eastern Shore accent, he leaned back on his chair and said, "Tim, you're a nice guy, but..." he pointed to his wife, "...she won't let me do anything."

We all laughed, even Tim, and we proceeded to tell him the story of why we were at the bar. 

He took a seat and said, "Let me see the pictures."

We showed him the two pictures we had.  Unfortunately, we did not have a picture of Sarah so we'll never know her gay sex appeal.  We did have a picture of JJ posing in his self-described portrait of Chewbacca.  We also had a picture of Crank from his FaceBook page where he is growling with his tiny dog.

Tim's reaction to JJ was a simple, "Eh" and flipped to Crank's picture.  His response to Crank's picture was a question.  "Is this guy running for Mr. Leather?"

We explained that both guys were straight, and Crank was the married one.  We just wanted to know what their appeal to a gay guy was since JJ had made the comment that Crank didn't look gay.

Tim laughed.  "This guy," pointing to the picture of JJ, "would win the best costume on Halloween at the full moon party.  The little guy with the dog, he could be runner up, if not win, the Mr. Leather contest."

We didn't understand all he was saying, but it would become clearer as the night progressed. 

Tim was a great guy.  He spread the word throughout the bar what we were doing and everyone dropped by our table to "rate" the pictures we had. 

When we finished our pitchers of beer, we paid the cover charge and went downstairs.  With a little more confidence of what happened upstairs, we had equal success downstairs.  All the guys and women gladly gave their opinion of the pictures we showed them.

We left the Hippo and hit four more bars.  Across town, we stopped at the Quest, a bar of mostly older men forty and above.  Then we went back across town to Leon's followed by the Gallery, both bars of a mixed crowd of ages.  The last bar we hit was the leather bar, The Eagle.

Prior to The Eagle, here's the breakdown of JJ and Crank's gay sex appeal: 

• JJ underwhelmed everyone. 
  
  In the under thirty crowd, responses ranged from "Hell no" to "What the Hell is that?"
  
  In the thirty to fifty crowd, responses were an unequivocal "Eh...nah."
  
  In the over fifty crowd, "Well, if there's no one else to go home with, maybe"
• Crank was more of an enigma. The response to him depended on the bar we were in.  Patrons at The Eagle and Gallery were much more receptive towards Crank.  Eliminating the responses from these two bars, here is how Crank ranked.
  
  In the under thirty crowd, responses were generally "Ok, but not my type."
  
  In the thirty to fifty crowd, responses ranged from "Yeah, he's kind of good looking" to "Oh, what I could do to that bald head."
  
  In the over fifty crowd, responses were an unequivocal, "Hell yeah, I'd take that boy home."

Now we have to talk about The Gallery and The Eagle.  The Eagle is a gay leather bar.  The Gallery sits about a block away and is a toned down version The Eagle.  JJ wasn't a hit in any bar.  Crank was a mediocre hit until we hit these two bars.

The leather bar is predominately middle-aged men and older who wear leather.  They are big, beefy men and usually hairy.  Picture a bad-ass motorcycle gang member, and you got a picture of the typical leather bar patron.  Complimenting the middle-aged men are the young "cubs", who also wear leather, but are less hairy, if any hair at all.

It was in these two bars Crank was a big hit.  Almost everyone wanted to know if Crank were running for the Mr. Leather title.  John, our tour guide, filled us in that in the leather community, they not only run a local Mr. Leather contest, but the winner goes on to compete in the Mr. International Leather competition.  This is one beauty pageant none of us five knew about.

Almost everyone in these two bars thought we were showing Crank's picture to promote him in the upcoming Mr. Leather competition.  And almost everyone wanted to meet him.  That's meet, not meat. 

JJ, as hairy as his Chewbacca picture was, garnered no comments.  But we want to point out that The Eagle has had an ongoing celebration of the full moon for many years.  They have a monthly celebration, called a Full Moon Party, where, if you strip down to your undies, you get drinks at half price all night. 

We make mention of this because about a month ago, when Crank mentioned August had a blue moon, that being a second full moon in the same month, JJ had a great idea of local bars celebrating the full moon.  He thought his idea was original, but, no, it turns out the gay guys have been celebrating it for many years. 

So while JJ has no gay sex appeal, at least he thinks like a gay guy.  And Crank, he's the darling of the gay community, and a big hit in a segment of it.